| | Well I was going to come on here and put Valentine's Day down. You know, rail about how it's a fake holiday, fuck this and fuck that, but it's really fuck me. Yeah me. It's because I'm single again, and I've gone numb to the feeling of love all over again. It's not because I got dumped though, but more along of how I got dumped. Apparently she was seeing someone else for a week going by what she said, but the guy said they were going out more along the lines of 2 months. So... I've been dumped. So add another to the Lonely Hearts Club. I could sit here and bad mouth her for doing something like this to a guy who would destroy Heaven and Hell for her, but what's that going to do in the end? Nothing. I'm still going to be cold, alone, and dead inside. Instead, I'm just going to write my thoughts on how it feels to be in love, what love is in my opinion and cap it off with my feelings on losing it in the end. Personally, I see love in being a double sided knife. Its the greatest feeling in the world when you have it and the worst feeling in the world when you lose it... When you have it, you feel invincible, like nothing ever can go wrong because you have someone that cares for you just as much as you care for them. You feel like nothing is impossible and you'll do anything for that person just to keep them loving you. You'll bend over backwards to please them, make them happy and have them say those magical words... I love you. Of course, I'm still a young whipper snapper myself and still have a lot to learn about love, because to tell you the truth... I don't know a God damn thing about it, just what I know from what I've felt from my first relationship. To say I have real experience with someone in a full long relationship would be a lie... all my relationships have been through the internet. Though my very first one I have actually spent time with the girl in real life, it still fell apart. It was my fault really, I was pushing her into having sex, but I had NOTHING to offer her substantually in the sense that we couldn't go out on real dates and be alone with each other, I was... and still am a Loser. So lets just leave it at that. I really did love her though... I would of done anything for her and I was trying... but she broke up with me before I could prove myself to her... Being broken up with is a very difficult thing to do. I desperately wanted to keep it going, I told her I would wait for her and everything because I really needed her love. She was my reason to live in a world this fucked up, but I ended up screwing it up. My fucked up head... I'm just stupid, I'm paranoid... very insecure with myself and afraid that I'll lose her which made me say some fucked up things and do some pretty stupid things which completely ruined the friendship after the break up. Girls, can I tell you something? NEVER ask a guy to be friends with you after you rip their hearts out of their chests, it's just about almost impossible to do unless you guys split on VERY mutual terms. If you guys were friends before hooking up, then more then likely you guys will remain friends after the break up. It hurts so bad to know the girl you love so bad is going out with another guy while you stand on the side lines. If you decide to break up the relationship, cut all ties from each other. When my first girlfriend broke up with me... that was the first time I ever experienced my entire body just go numb at once. A few seconds passed and it started to feel like a million pin needles being poked into your skin and being electrically charged. Then all the numbness went to my nose, which was pretty fucking strange. After all that, I lost control and broke down crying... because my everything just left me. My world shattered and I just didn't care about anything in life anymore. There was a hole in my chest that ached so badly that living was just impossible to do, and I attempted several times to commit suicide... as a previous blogging would tell you. That break up is my reason for the name DeadInside. It took me a very long time to get through that dark period, a lot of music helped me through it and a lot of hurtful stories were written to help sort out my feelings. For a long time after the break up, I couldn't stand the sound of her name, the name of the city she lived in... any of the things she liked... everything was so damn painful. The second, this most recent break up, relationship I had... it isn't worth mentioning because we had nothing really. Just an attempt at the impossible. I shed a few tears for it, but it in the end... it wasn't that big of a deal that I can't bounce back from. I'm more pissed off from it then anything else. So what else can I tell you? In the end, with all the pain that I went through... that a lot of people go through... To love and to loss is better then never have loved at all, that's bullshit. I would much rather not have loved someone then to love someone so badly to the point that they become your DNA and then lose them which takes 4 years of your life from you. Not loving is a lesser pain then spending your nights waking up after midnight because you had a dream about your ex still loving you. Its Hell I tell you. But... you can't give up on love. Ever. Like riding a horse, you fall off... you get back on. You get your heart broken, you take your lumps and then you continue on because there is always someone out there that will love you. As the old cliche goes... There are other fish in the sea, and I'll be damned if those sayings aren't always right... |
